Thursday, August 27, 2009

Sacrifice

after ndp, i thought my life in NS would go back to normal and mundane untill 040610.
but i guess my officer has other plans for me.

some of you guys know how much i use to want to be part of SPDS. of how i intially was posted there, given the chance but had it taken back only after hours of relishing the joy. then i thought my NS life was gonna be sucky. it took me some time and alot of brain washing for me to adapt to station life. and so i did.

so day by day... as i sit in station i would at times peep outside the door to watch the guys train at the parade square. wishing that it was me. i always wanted to get a hold of the MK IV rifle. and as the days passed... i kinda lost hope. that desire burnt off.

untill june came. i dont know how it happend and never did i expect it to happen but it did. SPDS came knocking on my door. asking if i would like to join them for NDP. and they mention this... 'its not a matter of how good you are. you just need to have the passion to excel.' and so i said yes. hence, there i was on the platform on 9 aug 2009.

yesterday, 260809... yet again i had to make a very difficult decision. there i was, doing my duty at 4pm, minding my own business. suddenly i heard... 'farhan, can i speak to you for a moment.' and deep inside i was like... 'wtf did i do wrong now?!' he looked at my uniform. i thought it was dirty or something. and then he said. 'eh farhan, where's your badge?' i was like... 'what badge?' only after 3 secs then did i realised he was talking about the spds skill badge. he said... 'you performed for NDP right? then u shld be have the badge cause you're trained.' haha! but guess what sir... yours truly was not trained.

hence, because of that. he insisted that i should join the basic course since i had the potential. hmmmm.... actually, i dont mind. but... what stopped me was the time of the month. no, i'm not refering to that ladies. i meant the sept period. fasting... and then followed by hari raya. being in the course meant that i have to train during the fasting period and then untill the end of the first week of hari raya. like WTF! initially i had already planned my leaves and offs for that period of raya. looks like it now has to be put on hold. ouh... and not forgeting the painful part. being a trainee all over again. it means... a monday to sat noon work week. aarrghhhh!! my freedom just
flew out of the window. all that sacrifice for one month. just for the badge on my uniform.

after i said yes... i thought and asked myself. did i made the wrong decision? is this what i really want. do i really have to strive so hard just for this period of 2yr service. i made my officer proud but am i happy with my decision?

its sad... i'll miss the first week of raya. and i'm sure i wouldnt be able to fast considering all the training under the blazin heat. how how?? actually... it doesnt matter already. its done. my name has been sent in.

if i'm not wrong hell awaits me on monday. or atleast next week.

by the end of that one month i hope i'm able to don the badge on my uniform. and somehow fulfill what i have always wanted. i'll be the only one in my batch that has that badge. would i feel proud?? i think so. we shall see.

oh ya!! not forgeting the horrible tan lines i'm gonna have too. esp the one along my face caused by the helmet strap. haha! i'm so not gonna take pics during raya.

okay.. wish me luck guys.

sorry if i cant meet up. i want to. but the nation calls upon me. haha!
i guess saturday afternoon and sunday are the best options.



ouh... and i'm kinda sad. i wont be able to meet someone that often anymore. i guess this 2 weeks have been fun. too bad its being short-lived. we'll see how it goes.

8:27 PM

Friday, August 21, 2009

My diet regime begins tomorrow

today shall be my last day of 'freedom'.
puasa begins tmr.
sad.

just when i was about to enjoy my single mingling.
time out with my friends.
looks like it has to take a break for a month.

i wonder how it'll affect my daily routine.
i bet the day will pass by so much slower.

no more visiting the canteen for milo peng, kopi peng, teh peng.
no more mid day snacks like hot dog bread, chicken fillet, pau.
no more visiting the smoking corner.

no more lunch meetings with friends.
no more dinner outside.
no more coffee chill-outs.



ok. i guess thats about it.



it'll reach a point where both parties give up. cause we're just not strong enough.
or maybe its just not meant to be.

8:08 PM

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Isit gonna be better this way?

my volcano erupted the whole of yesterday.
i couldnt control myself.
anger filled me up.
i guess thats what happens when you pent up all your feelings inside for months.

i think i'm going back to my old screwed up self.
living my days in frustration, misery, emo-ing

i just feel so broken up inside.

i think my life is gonna be a wrecked.
i'm gonna give up on everything.

i feel so fucked up!!
why?

i'm still not satisfied after letting my anger out on others. i know its unfair but... i cant help but care.

i still got so much more inside.


right now... i just feel like drinking tons of beer and alcohol, then getting pills and get high. i need to numb myself from this pain i feel.
i think i'm gonna smoke my lungs till it burn tmr.
thats a start.



paracetamol is my new company.

10:33 PM

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

11 Aug, 0107hrs

This shall be my written prove.

That at this day and time, you decline my invitation.


I shall endure no more of this.

I thought you wanted to meet up so badly.
You shouted at me and blame me for not meeting up with u the other time.

But when I threw my ego out that window and went up to you to ask... You decline.

Well, don't blame me anymore if i'm not around.
You threw away that chance.

You only need me when you're lonely and in despair.

Like i said... I want you to want me.




It could have all be a different story if only your reply was unlike.





p.s COLD AS ICE

11:44 AM

NDP 2009

hey hey!!

how was ndp this year?
did u guys out there enjoy it?

its a new concept... something fresh.

for me, i kinda prefer the parade to be this way.

i've achieved my NS goal.
and that is to be involved/perform for ndp.
eversince i was posted to MP COMMAND, my goal was to be with SPDS to perform for ndp.
at one moment of the journey, i thought my dreams were shattered.
i strived on... pursued... and finally achieve.
i was called up to join the team for ndp.

it has certainly made an impact on my life.

i leave 9 august with pleasant memories.
the training/crash course i had to go thru, the days under the sun, late evenings at marina, saturdays getting burned.... all of it worth while.

but at times... i do complain. i had to endure so much just for that 1 min 30 sec performance. haha!

it all ended on 9 aug. 2 days ago.

i kinda felt sad.
esp when the whole parade ended.
to think of it, it'll be the last time all the performers will be standing on that stage ever again. thruout the whole jouney, i've seen familiar faces. made new friends.

during the post celebration that we had... i went ard with the guys, taking photos and just simply mingling. and... i cant help but to notice this someone. someone i'll never get to meet again.

and finally, i just wanna say that, this ndp experience i had is worth it. its something i'm gonna live to share with my love ones and even perhaps my grandchildren in the future. i'm also happy that the ppl that mattered to me were there to watch my history making performance.

big thank you to the guys from SPDS.
somehow, i wish i could stay.
i'm born to perform! haha!












1:38 AM

Friends will never let me down

days without her has been good...
back to the good old days.
freedom.

i have great ppl ard me. ppl who i can rely on.
friends.

my friends make me happy.
they are there to give me advice.
there to listen to my cries.
there to make me laugh.

somewhere i feel at ease... no stress.


to end the post, some words of wisdom,

*it isnt easy being hard on someone you love so much.
*but, if you dont do that, it'll be harded for the two.
*and if you're not hard on her, she'll never listen and therefore wont learn anything or wad more be understanding.

1:26 AM

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Words of wisdom

an extract from my conversation with a friend


*the sparkles are there..
*it happen for a reason
*the reason is simply she cares for you..
*if not, she would have just walked away
*and never never come back...
*once the person is firm enuf, she wouldn't have come back
*BUT she did..
*and now..
*it's never possible to get her off ur mind or even heart...
*she made that impact in ur life...
*footprints and memories..
*ur photos with her can tell everything
*i can tell it clearly..
*that there's love...deep love

3:49 PM

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Am i lying to myself?

it feels wierd to be at home so early tdy. time now is 2129. usually when i'm not in camp, i'll be out and about at this time. and only come back home at ard 2300-0000.

come to think about it... it could have happened.

well.... i'm trying hard not to think about it.

tmr's friday!! its gonna be worse. i took half day off just to spend time with her. but... plans have to change.

my whole lifestyle has to change.

9:29 PM

17 Days Later

thats how long its has been since my post on july 20th.

hmmmm... everything's pretty much cleared up now. sad... but my only choice is, no choice.

I was thinking about it last night in camp. my mind was at an emo state. could hardly sleep.
if i could get a penny for every thought, i would be rich by now.

it took alot of courage from me. to ask/say the things i wanted to say. i know it hurts to be direct. but... i'm so sick of being mr nice guy and not getting what i want in the end. why should the both of us live behind this curtain shielding us from reality and the truth. we keep running away from a solution and the problems goes unsolve.

one simple question... 'what am i to you?'
but your simple answer tells me everything. not forgetting how much hurt it caused on this already very much tattered heart.
i asked that cause... i just wanted the truth. i dont want to be that guy waiting... or being played ard. and the reason that made me asked it now is because... even underneath all those dears babyies, hugs, kisses, holding hands.... i still am not sure if u do love me. i want you to be with me cause u need to. when u answered me... 'i'm with you cause i want you to accompany me.' that was really.... OUCH! how could u say that? you mean all these while i've just been following u ard and nothing more. i dont understand.

i've done everything i could to prove my worth to you. to make up to all the wrongs i've done. but... i dont remember owing u so much. what more do i have to do to make u understand certain stuff?

i know what u dislike. stuff like... me looking at girls out there and me having girl FRIENDS. u could never accept it since we've met. you have always been the jealous/protective gf. i'm not saying its wrong or neither is it entirely right. but... i just feel that, you shld feel safe and secure with me. why do i say this?? well, cause... even when i do those stuff, in my mind it'll always be you. i've always tried to tell u that. i've done everything i could to assure u. i suggested u meeting up with my friends just for fun but u get so angry whenever i mention about it. i just dont like living a life having need to lie to you now and then whenever i meet up with them. i just dont like the feeling. and even if i look at girls... i never fail to praise you or to tell you that you're beautiful yourself. i've know my friend before i've met you. i've looked at girls for 21 years. its a very hard change for you to request.

i'm not boasting. but i just feel that u're lucky to have had a guy like me. i really did love u with all my heart and only you. i dont understand.. even so, you still find it hard to trust. then i wonder how the other guys out there do it. i guess.... like what i've always believed, good guys always finish last.

if one day we really want to work things out.... i guess we really need to learn to understand and trust. everything else... was fine.

well, looking back. its not really a lost. somehow, i've stepped away with a lesson learnt. it was my fault not to have gained her trust or to have lost her trust in me at the initial stage. and maybe.. i didnt take time to explain the farhan i am to her. basically... the mistake was the foundation. well, we learn as we move along. first it was maturity. now this. i guess and i hope i'll be better the next time.

hmmm... i'm pretty sure it'll take some time for me to move along. considering the dedication, sacrifice and everything else in the relationship. but i know i have to do it. its gonna be tough.

as for her... i dunno. i wonder how she'll be.
hopefully happier then before.



i kinda feel guilty doing all this. isit right? am i making the mistake of my life?
i guess i'll never know untill the future comes.
haiz... i actually thought my future was you.

i walked away from you. i'll take responsibility for that.
i'm sorry if i really hurt you. but trust me, it hurts me more to lose a girl like you.

our last quarrel together, our last meal together, our last train ride together.....

thanks for everything!


p.s sunday's NDP performance is for you. i did everything just for you to watch me on that giant stage.

8:23 PM

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Alil bit of everything

hmmmm... okay. here i'am.

well, let me see. last night NDP preview was slighty different. security suddenly tighten, the fireworks seems to have some additions and the show was much more 'polished'. ouh!! and not forgetting, we manage to catch an earlier bus go back earlier as compared to the previous shows. thats good cause it means i dont have to rush for my last train or stay in.

next week is gonna be the real thing. and also the FINAL performance with SPDS for me. sad... but it has been a memorable experience. somehow my dream partly came true. i'll be proud to mention it as part of my NS story. after 9 aug, back to mowbray station for me. back to station duties, escorts, transfers and etc. i'll miss my rifle, miss being under the sun, miss my torn and tattered gloves.

moving on... i dont know why but these few days i've been tired. i guess maybe its the lack of sleep. hopefully next week will be better.

ouh..... talking about my NS life. i just realised. its 10 more months to ORD!! haha!! i know i know... to some it may be still long. but... i just felt like blogging it cause... in the months to come, when i read back my post i'll be smiling. thinking of how fast it has been. i remember... 4 post ago, i mention it was 1yr6mths. 8 months has passed. its always faster when u look back. once january comes... i have a lot of preparation to do for the real world.

this is random.... 5 August 2009. i had my first sheesha session. haha!

i'm heading off to CGH in awhile. visit daddy. i hope his condition is improving.
mummy seems tired too... going to and fro from the hosp and home. plus long hours just spending time with daddy. somehow... i find it sweet. haha!! i wonder if my future wife would do that too.


oklah.. i guess thats about it. back to camp on tuesday.

11:50 AM

Saturday, August 1, 2009

updates coming soon

i'm super shag-ge-ed now. shall update soon.

off for NDP preview show later on.
i need to catch some sleep!!
or else maybe you'll see my rifle flying down the stairs.

good night!!





p.s daddy was admitted to hosp last night and had an operation. SCARY!!!

12:56 AM