Thursday, May 27, 2010
I snapped
a dissapointment is what i am. just a useless male.i think i've failed as a son, as a friend, as a lover.
everytime is see that list of smses. i just go speachless. i dont have an answer why i actually said those words. things is, i dont even remember most of it. i was dazed. i was messed up. my mind and heart just went berserk, fighting a battle in me.
a battle of emotions.
i really lost it. i have to admit.
and its not a very nice feeling to be in. it's sad.
a mental state of mind that hurts so much. drained the soul out of me.
well, i've got no one to blame. except for my lousy self.
good for nothing, and never will be good enough.
i really cant explain why i did those stuff.
but, my heart feels relieved after that.
a clearer thinking.
but before that... i knew my emotions were surpressed deep inside of me. cause i kept it all sealed up in my plastic heart.
yes, plastic. my heart has been scarred so bad that a transplant was needed. to give me new life.
but still, it failed.
instead i dwindled. surpassing the worst i've ever been.
i think i try too hard.... but then again, i'll always ask. is normal ever good enough for you? is being me enough?
cause in the past... it didnt make u happy.
i try to be someone better. but it really takes a whole chunk of my soul out. but then, atleast i know it makes things a lil bit better for awhile.
yes, you were right. you made me prove myself wrong. i can NEVER change.
i'm sad that i cant. i'm sad that i just lost a battle with myself.
i was doing so well before. untill my emotions let me down.
i wasnt strong enough.
or maybe, as u would put it. i wasnt man enough for you.
i really tried. i really really did. and i though u had to know about it.
i dunno what else to do.
i cant even face you anymore.
shame. is what i feel.
i feel like walking away. cause i guess it could be over now.
u made your point. the words i said were just inhumanly harsh.
but then again, i told myself to never turn my back on you ever again.
and that i'll keep on trying.
but, i dont wanna breathe the air u dont want me to.
i cant believe i hurt u again.
this is just not me.
its a mistake.
a grave one.
one that actually brought me lower then it has ever been in your ranks
i stooped so low....
just because anger got the better of me.
you know me....
that man there isnt me.
i'm no a psycho.
i just want to be that joyful boy, jumping about all over again.
the last time i recalled, i was with you side by side.
and all i want now is to go back to the past.
only u can bring that boy out of me.
set my life straight again.
i dont want to be unhappy as much as you do.
so pls... bring joy back to my life.
and we'll live happily ever after.
i'm sorry.
i wish we could forget.
but i know forgeting just seems so impossible.
well, atleast forgive me yet again.
cause i mean no harm. honest.
i just wanna live my life with the one i truly love.
cause love is what i'm searching for.
and love lies in you.
RAFIDAH BINTE ABDUL HAMID
7:24 AM
Friday, May 21, 2010
www.facebook.com
its where i could just catch glimpses of your face now and then.see how u're doing.
make sure everything is fine for u.
or at times just reminisce the past for a second or two.
now...
you block me off.
shooed me away.
and cut off connections that i use to rely on.
how could you?
am i that of a scum?
why cant i just see u online atleast.
secrets to hide... i wonder.
well, i hope not.
that was my last resort.
my last line.
my final way of just knowing that the person i love is still ard.
somehow....
my secret lil hideout, behind the screen, where i can just 'watch' you from afar.
you took that away.
i thought facebook was a social networking website.
SOCIAL.
you mean i'm a stranger.
oh pls dont do this to me.
p.s why do i always go down on my knees for you. well, it's because u mean so much to me. i need you.
5:45 PM
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I cried as i wrote this for you.
i think about you when you're by my side.i think about you even more when we're apart.
i just cant stop myself from missing you.
do you know how much i love you?
well, nothing on earth can ever compare the amount of feelings i have for you.
i've never loved someone so much before and never will i ever.
i really want us to be together. just me and you. my feelings for you never withered.
if only you could see thru my me and deep into my heart.
there's only you.
the girl i fell in love in december 2007.
i know the journey has not all been so smooth. we fight, argue, breakup, work things out and definately there are days that we both smile. i realised i may not have been great to you.
but i can tell you... i tried my best each and every single time.
i miss not having u ard. i really really do.
when i need someone to talk to, there's no more you ard. when i need someone to hug, i just dont see you anymore.
honestly, i'm not using you in anyway. it's just that i need you so bad in my life. i run to you for everthing. you are my guide. you are my happy pill. you give me my soul and allow me to live.
thats love.
well, i'm blogging back again. cause there's no where else i can express myself. i've got so many feelings and thoughts to let out. i need to shout and just let everything out. and of coz, i was happier when i was blogging with you in the past.
but then again..... nothing beats having you by my side.
i got so emotional this afternoon. i cried as i fliped thru your blog. i digged up past memories of us. the photos, the messages, the emails. all reminded me of the past i used to live. as i saw each image of you. a million thoughts ran thru my head. the story each photo held was so precious. every single detail just tore me apart and broke me down.
i know realised how much u actually used to love me.
i realised how much of a fool i was not to cherish u then.
i realised what you actually did for me. all the sacrifices and the time and effort spent.
i realised how lucky i was to have you whole then.
and how much both of us has changed thru these 3 years.
the question i ask myself... farhan, why now? why didnt i do this earlier. why was i so dumb and blinded. ignorant!!
i just have myself to blame.
i saw the counter, and it states 881 days. thats how long we could have or shld have been together. i somehow couldnt believe it either as its seems just like a month ago we started things off. cause the memories are still so fresh in my head.
2008 for me was the most memorable. you were the sweetest.
being in NS wasnt the easiet of things in life. but u were there to make things so much better.
2 years on now and i'm 15 days away from ORD.
and as i open my blog... i saw that picture slideshow that i made for us. such old pics. somehow it made me smile but then again it saddens me. knowing how happy we were before. pictures from the start of our relationship. at bugis street, our workplace, valentines, random outings and camwhoring, pictures of you posing for the cam.
that girl i see.... was who i fell madly in love with. innocent, sweet, adorable and always smiling. and not fogeting the hugs that u always shower me with. oh how much i miss that.
here are some of the pics i manage to salvage.
and i wish you would say this to me once again.
some extracts from your blog.
"today it was so sweet of him to keep msging me and stuff. im super touched. im really happy that i am with you 2 go thru this journey. i really love you and will wait for you no matter what baby. i cant wait for you to book out and 2 hug you baby. "
"i keep thinking about him. like what he was dooing at that moment. has he eaten? is he doing fine? i msg him in the afternoon but he did nt reply. he called me at night saying he too misses me. that waqs a nice feeling. will be patient and wait till his back on 20/06/08"
"talking to him frequently kinda make me not miss him that much because it somehow makes me feel he is still with me. with him not being ard kinda made me realise how much i really love and appreciate him being with me"
"farhan is angry at me because i cant send him off on sunday as i had singing performance. i wanted to explain things to him but i guess he's angry and tired. he switched off his hp. i will try not to be upset today because im picking you up from pasir ris!"
"i have to take those stupid big pills which i have problems swallowing. B... i need you 2 help me. i dont really care what happened yesterday, my heart will still be yours. u dont have 2 worry bout me leaving u becoz i have made up my mind 2 b with u till the end. i guess i acted dat way bcoz i loved u 2 much. im actually afraid of losing you... im afraid dat your feelings towards me will deteriorate. i really dun wanna lose you. u r my everything. i can never c myself without u in my life. i really love you."
"i receivedf a call when i was in HR. it was him! i wanted to scream and jump up and down but i was in HR. den he told me, 'im not booking out today, im booking out tmr' damn! i was silent because i didnt know how to react. i was frustrated and somehow disappointed but i just said ok and i hung up. den i went to office... i somehow felt like crying.. i tried as much as i can to hold back my tears. at night he msged me 'good night sit dreamz. i'll try to call you tmr morning. love you. cant wait to see u.' i was actually going to JB the next day."
"the sweet thing is that at cityhall mrt, as he coudnt send me home, he waited with me for my train. he keep telling me to take the next train when the train arrive. so it was after i think 4 trains den i left for home. he wanted to talk to me and he was super sweet. i love him because of that. i'm so happy that he is with me."
"he msg me 'good morning sweet heart! have u rest enough? everything ok?' i was shocked when i read the msg. it was nice to hear some1 u love saying dat 2 u."
"5 reasons.
1) u thought me to really understand what love is.
2) i feel lost n empty w/out u by my side
3) i learn 2 understand not only myself but you
4) learn nt 2 b selfish
5) there is no other person who would love me d way u do"
"the following day he kept msging me with 'baby! how r u?' or 'good morning sayang!' it really touches my heart how he really wants me to know that he loves me. he told me that he feels he should show me his feelings more. im happy that he feels that way."
after everthing... i just have ran out of ideas and energy left in me. i dont know what else can bring you back to me.
i really wanna love you all my life. all i want is you back in my arms.
i wanna start all over again and love u like how u shld be loved.
i wanna be that pillar of support for you.
be there when u need comfort.
and protect you from this world that we live in.
i want to be that man for you.
no more getting angry.
no more mood swings.
no more demands from me.
no more not being understanding.
no more lies.
just you and me.
p.s i love you.
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