Friday, June 11, 2010
Take care. I hope to see you soon.
today just wasnt a good day.well, i thought it would be. my plans was just to make you happy. same like any other day.
you would be on the top priority list.
but.... i'm just sad that the day had to end on a very sour note instead. never was it my intentions. never was it on my mind. and never would i wanna make u angry or sad.
all i wanted to do as talk. and make things better for 'us'.
you took my words bluntly as it was. and i guess it stabbed you.
i said i'm sorry. maybe to you.... sorry, an hour later just isnt good enough anymore. but i truly meant it from my heart and i seek for your forgiveness.
the reason why i'm always saying sorry is because, i really dont wanna fight. i'm sick of it too.
i just wanna make u happy and be happy together.
i know maybe i was wrong. but.... like i said. i hope u understand me and my situation.
my love for u is like running a marathon. maybe... now and then i'll stumble. or now and then, i'll stop and slow down. but i will always reach the finish line and complete it.
the reason why i said... "We're meant to be together. If only we met at the right time."
is because.... i somehow feel that... if only i had met you later on in my life... maybe we wont go through so much pain and hardship. maybe we would end up happier. based on the circumstances we'll be in. maybe even get married by 3 yrs unlike now.
marriage... if only we could do it right now.
but we both know its just not possible.
not yet atleast.
if i could... i would...
you'll be leaving for malaysia in a few more hours.
i'll miss you. without a doubt.
i'm glad i got the chance to see u.
i'm sorry i was a dissapointment.
but i just cant wait for u to come back.
i want to make it up to u.
whatever way i can.
this may sound cliche or corny....
but i really wanna say this to u.
i dont wanna fight no more
i forgot what we were fighting for
and this loneliness that's in my heart
wont let me be apart from you
I love you so much.
It'll only be you and only you.
12:09 AM
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I snapped
a dissapointment is what i am. just a useless male.i think i've failed as a son, as a friend, as a lover.
everytime is see that list of smses. i just go speachless. i dont have an answer why i actually said those words. things is, i dont even remember most of it. i was dazed. i was messed up. my mind and heart just went berserk, fighting a battle in me.
a battle of emotions.
i really lost it. i have to admit.
and its not a very nice feeling to be in. it's sad.
a mental state of mind that hurts so much. drained the soul out of me.
well, i've got no one to blame. except for my lousy self.
good for nothing, and never will be good enough.
i really cant explain why i did those stuff.
but, my heart feels relieved after that.
a clearer thinking.
but before that... i knew my emotions were surpressed deep inside of me. cause i kept it all sealed up in my plastic heart.
yes, plastic. my heart has been scarred so bad that a transplant was needed. to give me new life.
but still, it failed.
instead i dwindled. surpassing the worst i've ever been.
i think i try too hard.... but then again, i'll always ask. is normal ever good enough for you? is being me enough?
cause in the past... it didnt make u happy.
i try to be someone better. but it really takes a whole chunk of my soul out. but then, atleast i know it makes things a lil bit better for awhile.
yes, you were right. you made me prove myself wrong. i can NEVER change.
i'm sad that i cant. i'm sad that i just lost a battle with myself.
i was doing so well before. untill my emotions let me down.
i wasnt strong enough.
or maybe, as u would put it. i wasnt man enough for you.
i really tried. i really really did. and i though u had to know about it.
i dunno what else to do.
i cant even face you anymore.
shame. is what i feel.
i feel like walking away. cause i guess it could be over now.
u made your point. the words i said were just inhumanly harsh.
but then again, i told myself to never turn my back on you ever again.
and that i'll keep on trying.
but, i dont wanna breathe the air u dont want me to.
i cant believe i hurt u again.
this is just not me.
its a mistake.
a grave one.
one that actually brought me lower then it has ever been in your ranks
i stooped so low....
just because anger got the better of me.
you know me....
that man there isnt me.
i'm no a psycho.
i just want to be that joyful boy, jumping about all over again.
the last time i recalled, i was with you side by side.
and all i want now is to go back to the past.
only u can bring that boy out of me.
set my life straight again.
i dont want to be unhappy as much as you do.
so pls... bring joy back to my life.
and we'll live happily ever after.
i'm sorry.
i wish we could forget.
but i know forgeting just seems so impossible.
well, atleast forgive me yet again.
cause i mean no harm. honest.
i just wanna live my life with the one i truly love.
cause love is what i'm searching for.
and love lies in you.
RAFIDAH BINTE ABDUL HAMID
7:24 AM
Friday, May 21, 2010
www.facebook.com
its where i could just catch glimpses of your face now and then.see how u're doing.
make sure everything is fine for u.
or at times just reminisce the past for a second or two.
now...
you block me off.
shooed me away.
and cut off connections that i use to rely on.
how could you?
am i that of a scum?
why cant i just see u online atleast.
secrets to hide... i wonder.
well, i hope not.
that was my last resort.
my last line.
my final way of just knowing that the person i love is still ard.
somehow....
my secret lil hideout, behind the screen, where i can just 'watch' you from afar.
you took that away.
i thought facebook was a social networking website.
SOCIAL.
you mean i'm a stranger.
oh pls dont do this to me.
p.s why do i always go down on my knees for you. well, it's because u mean so much to me. i need you.
5:45 PM
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I cried as i wrote this for you.
i think about you when you're by my side.i think about you even more when we're apart.
i just cant stop myself from missing you.
do you know how much i love you?
well, nothing on earth can ever compare the amount of feelings i have for you.
i've never loved someone so much before and never will i ever.
i really want us to be together. just me and you. my feelings for you never withered.
if only you could see thru my me and deep into my heart.
there's only you.
the girl i fell in love in december 2007.
i know the journey has not all been so smooth. we fight, argue, breakup, work things out and definately there are days that we both smile. i realised i may not have been great to you.
but i can tell you... i tried my best each and every single time.
i miss not having u ard. i really really do.
when i need someone to talk to, there's no more you ard. when i need someone to hug, i just dont see you anymore.
honestly, i'm not using you in anyway. it's just that i need you so bad in my life. i run to you for everthing. you are my guide. you are my happy pill. you give me my soul and allow me to live.
thats love.
well, i'm blogging back again. cause there's no where else i can express myself. i've got so many feelings and thoughts to let out. i need to shout and just let everything out. and of coz, i was happier when i was blogging with you in the past.
but then again..... nothing beats having you by my side.
i got so emotional this afternoon. i cried as i fliped thru your blog. i digged up past memories of us. the photos, the messages, the emails. all reminded me of the past i used to live. as i saw each image of you. a million thoughts ran thru my head. the story each photo held was so precious. every single detail just tore me apart and broke me down.
i know realised how much u actually used to love me.
i realised how much of a fool i was not to cherish u then.
i realised what you actually did for me. all the sacrifices and the time and effort spent.
i realised how lucky i was to have you whole then.
and how much both of us has changed thru these 3 years.
the question i ask myself... farhan, why now? why didnt i do this earlier. why was i so dumb and blinded. ignorant!!
i just have myself to blame.
i saw the counter, and it states 881 days. thats how long we could have or shld have been together. i somehow couldnt believe it either as its seems just like a month ago we started things off. cause the memories are still so fresh in my head.
2008 for me was the most memorable. you were the sweetest.
being in NS wasnt the easiet of things in life. but u were there to make things so much better.
2 years on now and i'm 15 days away from ORD.
and as i open my blog... i saw that picture slideshow that i made for us. such old pics. somehow it made me smile but then again it saddens me. knowing how happy we were before. pictures from the start of our relationship. at bugis street, our workplace, valentines, random outings and camwhoring, pictures of you posing for the cam.
that girl i see.... was who i fell madly in love with. innocent, sweet, adorable and always smiling. and not fogeting the hugs that u always shower me with. oh how much i miss that.
here are some of the pics i manage to salvage.
and i wish you would say this to me once again.
some extracts from your blog.
"today it was so sweet of him to keep msging me and stuff. im super touched. im really happy that i am with you 2 go thru this journey. i really love you and will wait for you no matter what baby. i cant wait for you to book out and 2 hug you baby. "
"i keep thinking about him. like what he was dooing at that moment. has he eaten? is he doing fine? i msg him in the afternoon but he did nt reply. he called me at night saying he too misses me. that waqs a nice feeling. will be patient and wait till his back on 20/06/08"
"talking to him frequently kinda make me not miss him that much because it somehow makes me feel he is still with me. with him not being ard kinda made me realise how much i really love and appreciate him being with me"
"farhan is angry at me because i cant send him off on sunday as i had singing performance. i wanted to explain things to him but i guess he's angry and tired. he switched off his hp. i will try not to be upset today because im picking you up from pasir ris!"
"i have to take those stupid big pills which i have problems swallowing. B... i need you 2 help me. i dont really care what happened yesterday, my heart will still be yours. u dont have 2 worry bout me leaving u becoz i have made up my mind 2 b with u till the end. i guess i acted dat way bcoz i loved u 2 much. im actually afraid of losing you... im afraid dat your feelings towards me will deteriorate. i really dun wanna lose you. u r my everything. i can never c myself without u in my life. i really love you."
"i receivedf a call when i was in HR. it was him! i wanted to scream and jump up and down but i was in HR. den he told me, 'im not booking out today, im booking out tmr' damn! i was silent because i didnt know how to react. i was frustrated and somehow disappointed but i just said ok and i hung up. den i went to office... i somehow felt like crying.. i tried as much as i can to hold back my tears. at night he msged me 'good night sit dreamz. i'll try to call you tmr morning. love you. cant wait to see u.' i was actually going to JB the next day."
"the sweet thing is that at cityhall mrt, as he coudnt send me home, he waited with me for my train. he keep telling me to take the next train when the train arrive. so it was after i think 4 trains den i left for home. he wanted to talk to me and he was super sweet. i love him because of that. i'm so happy that he is with me."
"he msg me 'good morning sweet heart! have u rest enough? everything ok?' i was shocked when i read the msg. it was nice to hear some1 u love saying dat 2 u."
"5 reasons.
1) u thought me to really understand what love is.
2) i feel lost n empty w/out u by my side
3) i learn 2 understand not only myself but you
4) learn nt 2 b selfish
5) there is no other person who would love me d way u do"
"the following day he kept msging me with 'baby! how r u?' or 'good morning sayang!' it really touches my heart how he really wants me to know that he loves me. he told me that he feels he should show me his feelings more. im happy that he feels that way."
after everthing... i just have ran out of ideas and energy left in me. i dont know what else can bring you back to me.
i really wanna love you all my life. all i want is you back in my arms.
i wanna start all over again and love u like how u shld be loved.
i wanna be that pillar of support for you.
be there when u need comfort.
and protect you from this world that we live in.
i want to be that man for you.
no more getting angry.
no more mood swings.
no more demands from me.
no more not being understanding.
no more lies.
just you and me.
p.s i love you.
4:44 PM
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Sacrifice
after ndp, i thought my life in NS would go back to normal and mundane untill 040610.but i guess my officer has other plans for me.
some of you guys know how much i use to want to be part of SPDS. of how i intially was posted there, given the chance but had it taken back only after hours of relishing the joy. then i thought my NS life was gonna be sucky. it took me some time and alot of brain washing for me to adapt to station life. and so i did.
so day by day... as i sit in station i would at times peep outside the door to watch the guys train at the parade square. wishing that it was me. i always wanted to get a hold of the MK IV rifle. and as the days passed... i kinda lost hope. that desire burnt off.
untill june came. i dont know how it happend and never did i expect it to happen but it did. SPDS came knocking on my door. asking if i would like to join them for NDP. and they mention this... 'its not a matter of how good you are. you just need to have the passion to excel.' and so i said yes. hence, there i was on the platform on 9 aug 2009.
yesterday, 260809... yet again i had to make a very difficult decision. there i was, doing my duty at 4pm, minding my own business. suddenly i heard... 'farhan, can i speak to you for a moment.' and deep inside i was like... 'wtf did i do wrong now?!' he looked at my uniform. i thought it was dirty or something. and then he said. 'eh farhan, where's your badge?' i was like... 'what badge?' only after 3 secs then did i realised he was talking about the spds skill badge. he said... 'you performed for NDP right? then u shld be have the badge cause you're trained.' haha! but guess what sir... yours truly was not trained.
hence, because of that. he insisted that i should join the basic course since i had the potential. hmmmm.... actually, i dont mind. but... what stopped me was the time of the month. no, i'm not refering to that ladies. i meant the sept period. fasting... and then followed by hari raya. being in the course meant that i have to train during the fasting period and then untill the end of the first week of hari raya. like WTF! initially i had already planned my leaves and offs for that period of raya. looks like it now has to be put on hold. ouh... and not forgeting the painful part. being a trainee all over again. it means... a monday to sat noon work week. aarrghhhh!! my freedom just
flew out of the window. all that sacrifice for one month. just for the badge on my uniform.
after i said yes... i thought and asked myself. did i made the wrong decision? is this what i really want. do i really have to strive so hard just for this period of 2yr service. i made my officer proud but am i happy with my decision?
its sad... i'll miss the first week of raya. and i'm sure i wouldnt be able to fast considering all the training under the blazin heat. how how?? actually... it doesnt matter already. its done. my name has been sent in.
if i'm not wrong hell awaits me on monday. or atleast next week.
by the end of that one month i hope i'm able to don the badge on my uniform. and somehow fulfill what i have always wanted. i'll be the only one in my batch that has that badge. would i feel proud?? i think so. we shall see.
oh ya!! not forgeting the horrible tan lines i'm gonna have too. esp the one along my face caused by the helmet strap. haha! i'm so not gonna take pics during raya.
okay.. wish me luck guys.
sorry if i cant meet up. i want to. but the nation calls upon me. haha!
i guess saturday afternoon and sunday are the best options.
ouh... and i'm kinda sad. i wont be able to meet someone that often anymore. i guess this 2 weeks have been fun. too bad its being short-lived. we'll see how it goes.
8:27 PM
Friday, August 21, 2009
My diet regime begins tomorrow
today shall be my last day of 'freedom'.puasa begins tmr.
sad.
just when i was about to enjoy my single mingling.
time out with my friends.
looks like it has to take a break for a month.
i wonder how it'll affect my daily routine.
i bet the day will pass by so much slower.
no more visiting the canteen for milo peng, kopi peng, teh peng.
no more mid day snacks like hot dog bread, chicken fillet, pau.
no more visiting the smoking corner.
no more lunch meetings with friends.
no more dinner outside.
no more coffee chill-outs.
ok. i guess thats about it.
it'll reach a point where both parties give up. cause we're just not strong enough.
or maybe its just not meant to be.
8:08 PM
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Isit gonna be better this way?
my volcano erupted the whole of yesterday.i couldnt control myself.
anger filled me up.
i guess thats what happens when you pent up all your feelings inside for months.
i think i'm going back to my old screwed up self.
living my days in frustration, misery, emo-ing
i just feel so broken up inside.
i think my life is gonna be a wrecked.
i'm gonna give up on everything.
i feel so fucked up!!
why?
i'm still not satisfied after letting my anger out on others. i know its unfair but... i cant help but care.
i still got so much more inside.
right now... i just feel like drinking tons of beer and alcohol, then getting pills and get high. i need to numb myself from this pain i feel.
i think i'm gonna smoke my lungs till it burn tmr.
thats a start.
paracetamol is my new company.
10:33 PM
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
11 Aug, 0107hrs
This shall be my written prove.That at this day and time, you decline my invitation.
I shall endure no more of this.
I thought you wanted to meet up so badly.
You shouted at me and blame me for not meeting up with u the other time.
But when I threw my ego out that window and went up to you to ask... You decline.
Well, don't blame me anymore if i'm not around.
You threw away that chance.
You only need me when you're lonely and in despair.
Like i said... I want you to want me.
It could have all be a different story if only your reply was unlike.
p.s COLD AS ICE
11:44 AM
NDP 2009
hey hey!!how was ndp this year?
did u guys out there enjoy it?
its a new concept... something fresh.
for me, i kinda prefer the parade to be this way.
i've achieved my NS goal.
and that is to be involved/perform for ndp.
eversince i was posted to MP COMMAND, my goal was to be with SPDS to perform for ndp.
at one moment of the journey, i thought my dreams were shattered.
i strived on... pursued... and finally achieve.
i was called up to join the team for ndp.
it has certainly made an impact on my life.
i leave 9 august with pleasant memories.
the training/crash course i had to go thru, the days under the sun, late evenings at marina, saturdays getting burned.... all of it worth while.
but at times... i do complain. i had to endure so much just for that 1 min 30 sec performance. haha!
it all ended on 9 aug. 2 days ago.
i kinda felt sad.
esp when the whole parade ended.
to think of it, it'll be the last time all the performers will be standing on that stage ever again. thruout the whole jouney, i've seen familiar faces. made new friends.
during the post celebration that we had... i went ard with the guys, taking photos and just simply mingling. and... i cant help but to notice this someone. someone i'll never get to meet again.
and finally, i just wanna say that, this ndp experience i had is worth it. its something i'm gonna live to share with my love ones and even perhaps my grandchildren in the future. i'm also happy that the ppl that mattered to me were there to watch my history making performance.
big thank you to the guys from SPDS.
somehow, i wish i could stay.
i'm born to perform! haha!
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1:38 AM
Friends will never let me down
days without her has been good...back to the good old days.
freedom.
i have great ppl ard me. ppl who i can rely on.
friends.
my friends make me happy.
they are there to give me advice.
there to listen to my cries.
there to make me laugh.
somewhere i feel at ease... no stress.
to end the post, some words of wisdom,
*it isnt easy being hard on someone you love so much.
*but, if you dont do that, it'll be harded for the two.
*and if you're not hard on her, she'll never listen and therefore wont learn anything or wad more be understanding.
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