Thursday, August 6, 2009

17 Days Later

thats how long its has been since my post on july 20th.

hmmmm... everything's pretty much cleared up now. sad... but my only choice is, no choice.

I was thinking about it last night in camp. my mind was at an emo state. could hardly sleep.
if i could get a penny for every thought, i would be rich by now.

it took alot of courage from me. to ask/say the things i wanted to say. i know it hurts to be direct. but... i'm so sick of being mr nice guy and not getting what i want in the end. why should the both of us live behind this curtain shielding us from reality and the truth. we keep running away from a solution and the problems goes unsolve.

one simple question... 'what am i to you?'
but your simple answer tells me everything. not forgetting how much hurt it caused on this already very much tattered heart.
i asked that cause... i just wanted the truth. i dont want to be that guy waiting... or being played ard. and the reason that made me asked it now is because... even underneath all those dears babyies, hugs, kisses, holding hands.... i still am not sure if u do love me. i want you to be with me cause u need to. when u answered me... 'i'm with you cause i want you to accompany me.' that was really.... OUCH! how could u say that? you mean all these while i've just been following u ard and nothing more. i dont understand.

i've done everything i could to prove my worth to you. to make up to all the wrongs i've done. but... i dont remember owing u so much. what more do i have to do to make u understand certain stuff?

i know what u dislike. stuff like... me looking at girls out there and me having girl FRIENDS. u could never accept it since we've met. you have always been the jealous/protective gf. i'm not saying its wrong or neither is it entirely right. but... i just feel that, you shld feel safe and secure with me. why do i say this?? well, cause... even when i do those stuff, in my mind it'll always be you. i've always tried to tell u that. i've done everything i could to assure u. i suggested u meeting up with my friends just for fun but u get so angry whenever i mention about it. i just dont like living a life having need to lie to you now and then whenever i meet up with them. i just dont like the feeling. and even if i look at girls... i never fail to praise you or to tell you that you're beautiful yourself. i've know my friend before i've met you. i've looked at girls for 21 years. its a very hard change for you to request.

i'm not boasting. but i just feel that u're lucky to have had a guy like me. i really did love u with all my heart and only you. i dont understand.. even so, you still find it hard to trust. then i wonder how the other guys out there do it. i guess.... like what i've always believed, good guys always finish last.

if one day we really want to work things out.... i guess we really need to learn to understand and trust. everything else... was fine.

well, looking back. its not really a lost. somehow, i've stepped away with a lesson learnt. it was my fault not to have gained her trust or to have lost her trust in me at the initial stage. and maybe.. i didnt take time to explain the farhan i am to her. basically... the mistake was the foundation. well, we learn as we move along. first it was maturity. now this. i guess and i hope i'll be better the next time.

hmmm... i'm pretty sure it'll take some time for me to move along. considering the dedication, sacrifice and everything else in the relationship. but i know i have to do it. its gonna be tough.

as for her... i dunno. i wonder how she'll be.
hopefully happier then before.



i kinda feel guilty doing all this. isit right? am i making the mistake of my life?
i guess i'll never know untill the future comes.
haiz... i actually thought my future was you.

i walked away from you. i'll take responsibility for that.
i'm sorry if i really hurt you. but trust me, it hurts me more to lose a girl like you.

our last quarrel together, our last meal together, our last train ride together.....

thanks for everything!


p.s sunday's NDP performance is for you. i did everything just for you to watch me on that giant stage.

8:23 PM