Thursday, May 27, 2010

I snapped

a dissapointment is what i am. just a useless male.
i think i've failed as a son, as a friend, as a lover.

everytime is see that list of smses. i just go speachless. i dont have an answer why i actually said those words. things is, i dont even remember most of it. i was dazed. i was messed up. my mind and heart just went berserk, fighting a battle in me.

a battle of emotions.

i really lost it. i have to admit.
and its not a very nice feeling to be in. it's sad.

a mental state of mind that hurts so much. drained the soul out of me.

well, i've got no one to blame. except for my lousy self.
good for nothing, and never will be good enough.

i really cant explain why i did those stuff.

but, my heart feels relieved after that.
a clearer thinking.

but before that... i knew my emotions were surpressed deep inside of me. cause i kept it all sealed up in my plastic heart.

yes, plastic. my heart has been scarred so bad that a transplant was needed. to give me new life.
but still, it failed.

instead i dwindled. surpassing the worst i've ever been.

i think i try too hard.... but then again, i'll always ask. is normal ever good enough for you? is being me enough?
cause in the past... it didnt make u happy.

i try to be someone better. but it really takes a whole chunk of my soul out. but then, atleast i know it makes things a lil bit better for awhile.

yes, you were right. you made me prove myself wrong. i can NEVER change.
i'm sad that i cant. i'm sad that i just lost a battle with myself.
i was doing so well before. untill my emotions let me down.
i wasnt strong enough.
or maybe, as u would put it. i wasnt man enough for you.

i really tried. i really really did. and i though u had to know about it.
i dunno what else to do.

i cant even face you anymore.
shame. is what i feel.

i feel like walking away. cause i guess it could be over now.
u made your point. the words i said were just inhumanly harsh.
but then again, i told myself to never turn my back on you ever again.
and that i'll keep on trying.

but, i dont wanna breathe the air u dont want me to.
i cant believe i hurt u again.

this is just not me.
its a mistake.
a grave one.
one that actually brought me lower then it has ever been in your ranks

i stooped so low....
just because anger got the better of me.

you know me....
that man there isnt me.
i'm no a psycho.

i just want to be that joyful boy, jumping about all over again.
the last time i recalled, i was with you side by side.
and all i want now is to go back to the past.

only u can bring that boy out of me.
set my life straight again.

i dont want to be unhappy as much as you do.
so pls... bring joy back to my life.
and we'll live happily ever after.

i'm sorry.
i wish we could forget.
but i know forgeting just seems so impossible.
well, atleast forgive me yet again.
cause i mean no harm. honest.

i just wanna live my life with the one i truly love.
cause love is what i'm searching for.
and love lies in you.
RAFIDAH BINTE ABDUL HAMID

7:24 AM